Category Archives: Thoughts

The Little Johny Menace (“The LJM”)

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Guys, guys, guys! I know I’ve been out of here for too long and I always come back with loads of excuses. Well, this time wouldn’t be an exception; I have more excuses, hehehe. WORK!!! I know y’all are beautiful and nice like that and will go ahead to pardon me.

That settled, I want you to brace up for this not-too-typical post of mine. For the ladies who cannot directly relate to this and still insist on going on to read; just enjoy this knowing that the world doesn’t revolve around you on this very matter! The least you could do is to laugh about this. The best being to share with a needy male counterpart.

Some weeks back, a conversation with my friends (guys) skidded off the usual path. We moved from more topical issues like sports, politics, fashion and/ or women, to an unpopular item like The LJM. Of course, not many guys talk about this even as they face The LJM almost every other hour! In short, this post is a wrap up of the entire conversation, the coming reflections and my little additions here and there.

I can hear voices already asking what The LJM means. Guys already know. Well, maybe not all. Some over-sabi babes know sef. SO! The LJM is a state of “body-member-stiffness” experienced ONLY by the male gender, which usually shows itself unannounced.  Before I go ahead to confirm what you already know, let me introduce this refutal that contrary to your randy expectation, The LJM in this context and every letter of this innocent post isn’t the one caused by your intentional resolution to experience one.

Our minds and the several places they stray to and the wrong times they choose to, including a cold weather or the combat against sleep or sleep itself, can deal you a wholesome portmanteau of embarrassment. For some rather naive dudes who experience this menace, thinking it is a peculiar condition to them alone, kindly disabuse your mind from that silly notion. All men across the globe enjoy or suffer this menace, depending on how you choose to see it!

How to save your face in these “troublesome” times is what I intend to share with you, gentlemen. I will share three (3) tricks, the most efficient of which is The Pinch-Yourself one. I can bet that several guys reading might not have heard this before but it works! When you face a ruthless LJM and you need to get up and walk past a number of observing eyes, pinch yourself for a few seconds, especially on the thigh or anywhere around your “other” limbs before you get up. You’d be amazed to find your LJM situation repressed. Once again, I learnt this during that epic conversation!

Another reliable trick is The Hands-In-Pocket style. This one is quite notorious. Your hands in your pocket shall always form an illusion that MAY hide The LJM situation DEPENDING on the degree! Well, guys, this trick only works perfectly if you understand that by pockets, I mean your side pockets and not your back or breast pockets. I’m just saying.

If your hands are well positioned in your side pockets, you could reposition “oga at the bottom” with your hands to ease the situation and gain more comfort. Ensure that while you’re at the repositioning quest, you aren’t giving The LJM a reason to gain more power with the touch of your hands. Phewwww! No be small sumtin!

Now ladies, don’t go around having a judgemental idea about every guy you see with his hands in his pocket. Leave us to worry about our businesses! *Straight face*

The last trick I’d share in a bit is for people who fancy the culture of carrying a bag. The wonders that that bag can do cannot be overemphasized, especially at the times when The LJM stirs you down in the face. Sitting down in a public bus or whatever sort of vehicle where The LJM situation is haunting and there’s the necessity to alight and step into a sea of preying eyes, is one helluva case when you’re without an item as simple as a bag!

A bag, a tablet (wide enough though), perhaps a jacket, held across your crotch in a very tactful manner, done with a seamless smile, can practically save the day.

In all of these, might just be a fourth tip in itself, call it a bonus tip; PLAN! If you observe that you face several LJMs too frequently, you might need to plan ahead. Wearing tight fitting trousers and poor fitting underwear could be disastrous. You could plan what you want your crotch to look like, giving room for concealing a potential case of The LJM. Always remember (and I sound this with every level of sincerity) that it is not the right time to take several glances at your preferred gender (which should be a woman anyway). Take your eyes off. Let your mind go off too. Off to a safe place!

So guys, there you go! You have no reason to go around with funny looking crotches or with your heads buried in your shoulder because of your special gift and the notorious cases of LJMs it deals you. Remember, it is very rude to have an LJM case and not care who is watching or do anything about it. Learn ‘em tricks, use ‘em and share your testimonies…HEHEHE! Share more tricks if you’ve got too!

I’m out!

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Counting Down To Zero

zeroSalute,

Beloved MPW readers, like you must have noticed, a number of my posts are inspired by things that have lingered in my mind for a while which I end up sharing. This post is no exception. It is another product of my often busy mind. This time however, the thoughts are an extension of my previous post (which you can find HERE).

Very many times when we live nowadays, we just live. Oblivious of many thoughts that should be considered by the second. We just live. You will understand why I think this in a bit.

Sometimes ago, on one of these nose-poking platforms they call social networks, I met this old acquaintance and quickly we started chatting away like we are not mere acquaintances in real life!

All seemed fine until the “What do you do now?” question popped up – of course from me. For a while there was no response to that and when there was one eventually, there wasn’t anything reasonable to hold on to. With all the scattered responses of; “Just chilling”, “I’m doing fine”, “Nothing much, really” and the likes; I guessed, very strongly, that there could be a little shortfall in my expectation of how far this person should have come.

Then I thought to myself, why did I need to know in the first place? I can imagine that a number of people reading this are wondering too! “Bros Prolifeeq, wetin be your own consign,kwa?”*  Quite seriously though, the only reason my mind could come up with is that I needed to assess this person to assess myself. In all sincerity, that was quite it.

In today’s society, many things are expected from one at the attainment of a certain age. In your youth, the minimum expectation of success will translate into academic excellence and/or a decent source of sustenance. Harnessing talents, ideas, skills and the likes – All these inclusive.

Errrm, I just might be wrong. It seems success has taken a new turn. As soon as your life savings can buy you a smart phone, some skinny jeans trousers and a few colourful baseball hats – Alas! Success! For a lady, maybe when you can afford(or get a “sponsor” ) to buy several varieties of human hair, huge bags,numerous  colour blocking “gadgets” and all sorts of material stuff. Hmmm, if excitement has begun for as many that fit into this description, thinking this indeed is it; this piece isn’t really for your specie.

For as many value driven minds and people with remarkable purpose; let us converge in thoughts and have this refreshing discuss. What might we term success to be? A means to an end or an end in itself? A destination or a daily sojourn? A trophy or a feeling of fulfillment? Many questions, isn’t it? Here are some more – What point will you reach before you call yourself successful? With what yardstick do you measure success? Why do you want to be successful?

You will realize that as we attempt to give sincere answers to these thought provoking questions; many personal oversights, wrong assumptions and misplaced priorities begin to surface. We will observe too that for more moments than otherwise, we lose sight of our personal objectives (if we have any, anyway)

The case is usually about us subscribing to a bandwagon of money making as against steadily pushing one’s self to the paramount level of self actualization and fulfillment.

Of course, it is important to pay the bills and possess a sufficient capacity to do same but not at all cost. As far as I am concerned, I blame the overwhelming rise and rise of frustration on desperation. For everyone that will beg to differ with the argument that one needs to be dogged, hardworking, tireless and persevering; we all know the sort of desperation I’m talking about here. Let us not skid off the main point.

At the times when desperation eats deep into your skin and you find “anything” which is not that “something” that you will rather be engaged in; frustration creeps in. The processes in working out that “anything” becomes unnatural, clumsy and pretty bumpy! One will be caught up in an unending rat race, most certainly!

Just so that success wouldn’t be a case of “almost there” for us all, we need to stop for a moment to ask ourselves all these questions again. Some sort of reality check; you might want to call it!

Many reasons why people want to succeed these days are pitiable. Let it not be for show off or for public display: Will you still have a reason to want to be successful?

The interpretation of success that the media of today portrays it as, is one more reason why priorities are voluntarily misplaced. The rate at which people channel useful energy and/or resources to irrelevance is quite a pointer to  this.

The idea is this – Personal examination and proper comprehension of one’s strengths, weaknesses, opportunities and threats should inform every motive to want to grow, develop, expand and succeed. Very simply put. Otherwise, the rat race will continue without a medal for it. Considering that no one ever sees the end of a rat race, anyway!

Whichever way time reveals itself to you, slow or pacy; make the best use of it…for your good. Remember, what is not good is bad, just saying. Set standards, set limits, be purposeful, be committed, be contented, be positive, be hopeful, be original and in all things; be you!

When every activity you engage yourself in culminates to your overall satisfaction (not at the detriment of someone else, anyway); you will discover you are on an automatic cruise control to greatness.

Live life beautifully so that tears and a sack full of unpleasant memories do not characterize your last days. Choose to enjoy and end life’s sojourn with a huge smile!

~MrProlifeeQ~

N.B

“Bros Prolifeeq, wetin be your own consign,kwa?” – This means; “Why are you concerned, MrProlifeeq”

Dear Readers,

I hope it was a refreshing read.

Kindly air your views about your understanding of success and the topic of discuss at large.

Thanks for sharing knowledge always!

The Way We Quietly Grow Old

The Thin Line between Love and a Little Less.

ImageHi esteemed MPW readers…Yes, yes I know this is coming too long after the last post was pressed. Yes, I also understand how much you expect a more frequent pressing. I will blame nothing for this drag. Not even my village teacher job; as I have been less of that lately. I will just hope you see this apology as sincere and accept it – I am sorry.

With that much said, this post looks ready to sail. Oh, before then…For many of you who will wonder after a few lines down… Is he? Could he be…? NO, I’m not a love doctor! You can learn more of who I am HERE.

For everyone who has or intends to get stung by the love bug; this is for you. And no! I do not mean those who are in the P-setting leagueneither the ones who merely enjoy sex with whoever and term the relationship whatever; nor the little lads and lasses exploring all they can- No thanks to Mr. Puberty.

This is for the ones who love, love to love and love that they are in love with whom they love! It is for those who intend to love forever and have taken/ will take the necessary steps to see that forever it is and shall be- Did someone say marriage?

Some might think that talking about the nature of love in relation to a bug and its sting or any other factor that connotes pain is some sort of blasphemy to the sweet theme of love. You mean this love? This sweet love??? Very well then, deceive yourself with the fairy tale adaptation of what love is and what it is not. When you’re done, come back to real life. For real life is where we are at and here, love is a nicely concocted syrup of pain and pleasure. Hello?

Many of us will rather hold on to the dimension love takes when all is pleasurable. When all is seemingly rosy and the partner dishes all the love you require in more-than-satisfactory portions- Just how you like it!

You know…The summer time getaways; the evening walks with the boo; breakfast in bed; sensational romance; bedroom costumes, whips and handcuffs (No Violence!); stolen kisses; pillow fights; amiable indoor moments; exquisite dinners and all the idea of a perfectly working relationship that Hollywood(Nollywood too…or Bollywood for those who like to sing and dance) sells to us. Of course these moments are very important but what happens when the cute little cookie crumbles?

We need to constantly accept that in between all these pleasurable times, some events will quietly or sometimes suddenly crumble the cookie. When the cookie is badly hit, do you trample and jump on it like a wild chimpanzee? Would you do that till it becomes impossible to restore the cookie image? Dear friend, this is one way to NOT achieve “forever together”.

I know (indeed, I do) that it is normal for things to go wrong from time to time yet, very surprising when these shifts occur! I mean, a moment ago it was all cuddly fuddly** and then BAM!!!, the boo does it! You know that moment when you are disappointed in them. You just stare in dismay, make a transition to your alter ego and then dish out an annihilating combo of: PUNCH SLAP KICK KICK SLAP BITE PUNCH UPPERCUT …TWO FINGERS IN THE EYES AAAAAAAAND SPIT! Of course, all of these should play out in your mind. Oo ni fe te noooow***

Afterwards, when you resign to your corner of the room; in your sober moments when you try to comprehend what had happened, ensure you stay constructive and real with yourself. The end thereof should bring the cookie back to shape. This should be the mindset as long as the relationship in itself is not a threat to life or a platform for life-threatening abuse. Remember, this is for people in healthy relationships- With a dogged and working “forever together” mission.

When your partner drops a wrong word; takes a wrong foot forward or backward; takes you for granted; shows some carelessness or insensitivity; forgets anniversaries that you cherish(kudos to the female folks and their date-remembering gift); talks down on you; ignores you; disappoints you; damages your  x-box or any of OUR toys(yea guys, we do this!); becomes irritable, edgy, grouchy and not forthcoming; disinterested in you and the big one…wait for it…cheats on you. What do you do?

Not at all, I’m not answering that …that is a question left to you to answer. Why you? Really? Yes, you because you are an active partner in your relationship. You should know for yourself. Didn’t you find yourself mature enough to be in a relationship in the first place? Voila! Employ that “maturity”, guide yourself back to your happiness and get back on your feet (or on your boo *winks*); back in love!

These times when you feel a little less love (watch how I use this expression instead of HATE?) for your partner are as important as the times when all is well too. If you don’t know, there is such thing as a “good fight”. These moments are fantastic opportunities to learn about yourself, your partner and the relationship. It is a course to ensure that fantasies have not become facades or a one-party thing. It can help rediscover that a rich reserve of passion still exists in your lives together.

Like you otherwise think, a good fight occasionally translates into that necessary spice required for a relationship which might be unsuspectingly losing its savour. It usually ends with the thought: “I never knew I loved (and still love) you this much”.

If you think this sounds easier than it is in real life; I will advise that you take a more crucial evaluation of your relationship. Something bigger than “the issue” might as well be the problem. My opinion is; the previous hurt makes the next hurt harder to live through. A wider perspective of this is; the previous hurt (left unattended to and/or found no relief) makes the next hurt harder to live through. Remember again, this is for people in healthy relationships -With a dogged and working “forever together” mission.

For every event of disappointment and the consequential hurt felt, strive to sort it out. Find relief and get over it so that every other case of such will be peculiar and so dealt with. Never soak up these things only to explode later. Never let issues go without addressing them only to refer to them in future. This is not healthy living. Talk these things through and get over them. You should also learn the golden skill of letting things slide (especially trivial ones) from time to time. REALLY!!!

At this juncture, I find it safe to advise that as you continue with this post, you will not find any ready-made tips or lists on how to manage yourself in these times or how best to swing back to the sweet moments. No, I’ll be doing no such thing. This is because I find these tips too theoretical, sometimes complex to follow through without snuffing out the uniqueness in the personalities involved. Personal opinion it is. Successful relationships are not sustained by people who have become what a writer/researcher must have enumerated for them but by people who have “worked out” what works for them. People who have come to realize what keeps them in a bond of sheer happiness and go by it, religiously.

In the gloom of any challenge, do not caress the problem any further. Spend time understanding and discussing the cause. Ensure you mutually arrive at a bespoke manner of keeping the gloom busted, killed and buried. You want to stay happy together, don’t you? Yea, so don’t give in to endless grief and the mother of all-Depression. Forget the event; take the choice. The choice is to stay happy and uhhhhmmm…to get back to all the cute, sweet, pleasurable, amorous, naughty and yori-yori**** things lovers do! Together!

NB:

* Today’s word for something longer than a fling but less serious than a relationship- I just call it a fling anyway.

**This word is invisible in the English dictionary :p

***Yoruba (a language spoken in western Nigeria) for: “You really don’t want to do that and get hurt.”

****A colloquial term for love in Nigeria. Made famous by Bracket in their hit single; “Yori Yori“.

•Matters Arising•

Beautiful greetings to my esteemed MPW(mrprolifeeq.wordpress) readers and enthusiasts. I can tell many of you have checked within the past week for any new posts by me(Judging by the number of clicks/hits recorded). Regrettably, I’ve been unable to churn out any new material, owing to the stressful nature of my “noble” job as a village teacher.

Preparing these ‘wonderful’ pupils for the year’s promotional examination, is not something I’d have thought to be this exhausting. Nevertheless, I’m glad the end of it is nigh.

In the past week(plus some few days) however, I had quite a number of things to wonder about, many of which I wish to bore you all with. As you take dressing to the edge of your seats and grab yourselves a hot bowl of popcorn; I ‘urge’ you not to expect too much! It is only a playful attempt to present a collage of my thoughts within that time line.

Many of the issues that made headline in the past week have been quite a bother. Nothing came across as good news. Bomb blasts rocked our hearts with fear; the rain came pouring without mercy and rendered many homeless and we are still at sea as to what services Mr. Lawan rendered to Mr. Otedola to earn such a mouth-watering reward.

Now take a cruise through my ponder-pattern and try to put a date to the time when this ‘Giant of Africa’ will score well in something positive. Was that exercise futile? It sure must have been.

Now that the present occurrences aren’t palatable and the future is relatively unknown, I sought succour in the events of the recent past. I tried to cast my mind back to the last time Nigeria had a collective reason to genuinely celebrate. I wanted to bask in the euphoria of that thought but that too was a herculean task.

Maybe on the cross over from military rule to democracy or Atlanta ’96. Perhaps, the death of the much dreaded dictator. I mean, could we have been a pretty sad nation for more than a decade?

I kept wondering what question I could ask that has not been asked before and left unanswered. So I chose to wrap that worry about Nigeria in a folder and toss to ‘recycle bin’. Somewhere I could always restore for use whenever the need arises.

With mixed feelings did I also worry about the depressing scheme called; NYSC(National Youth Service Corps). I can already imagine how majority in the number of past and present corps members will readily second my qualification of the scheme as so.

Agreed, it was established to create a platform for qualifying youths to appreciate other cultures and beliefs but can the logistics be played out safely?
If the government claims its intention is to foster national unity; I consider that very ‘noble’. However, at whose expense and at what cost will this trivial goal be executed.

From the simple knowledge of Cost-Benefit Analysis, it is glaring that the government is funding a white elephant project.

Today, NYSC is a major outlet from the pool of the nation’s economic resources. The ‘benefit’ of which doesn’t add up to the GDP of the country; not even by a decimal. Rather it has become an avenue for certain persons to enrich their lots on a ‘batchly’ basis.

The insensitivity of the leaders of this scheme to deploy helpless youths to crisis-prone areas of the country added to the list of my worries. *Sighs* “But why?” “Why evils?”.
Well, I’m glad that is sorted now, so I’d swiftly hit the delete button on that.

Being a serving member of the scheme; I had craved the end of it even before the beginning. I thought I was just being a spoilt brat but four(4) months down the line, my experience couldn’t have buttressed my cravings any better. Like I stated earlier, I’m a village teacher(against my will *sobs*). Worse still, in a remote, obscure, “naa,this-village-can’t-be-in-the-map”,”if-I-take-a-leap-from-this-village-I-just-might-land-in-Mars”, “end-of-the-world” village. *Phew*
(Don’t even ask about electricity or portable water *straight face*)

I’m getting used to worrying about how to live here for the next eight(8) months but I’m more worried by the extent of neglect this village has suffered. Especially the little ones. These kids learn under bizarre conditions and by very ridiculous methods. The stench that exudes from their ramschackled classroom blocks, constantly milks my guts.

Teaching a class of about eighty(80) students, where a little less than a quarter will understand a thing or two I have to say; I wonder…Who am I serving? It is that way, not because I’m a bad teacher but I’d have had some better impact only if I could speak their local language.

It is necessary I inform you that these students are openly aided during examinations, so I wonder again…Who am I serving?

*Whew!* Before this post becomes a really sad one, let me let you all into the beautiful things this village has to offer…*Scratching my head*…not so much really.
The host community is a very warm one and the cost of living is relatively cheap! And yea, I’ve picked a few words in Ibibio. At least, now I can tell my girlfriend how much I love her in one more language. Mmo ma fi eti eti, ima mi!

Detunji Demuren

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