The Little Johny Menace (“The LJM”)
Guys, guys, guys! I know I’ve been out of here for too long and I always come back with loads of excuses. Well, this time wouldn’t be an exception; I have more excuses, hehehe. WORK!!! I know y’all are beautiful and nice like that and will go ahead to pardon me.
That settled, I want you to brace up for this not-too-typical post of mine. For the ladies who cannot directly relate to this and still insist on going on to read; just enjoy this knowing that the world doesn’t revolve around you on this very matter! The least you could do is to laugh about this. The best being to share with a needy male counterpart.
Some weeks back, a conversation with my friends (guys) skidded off the usual path. We moved from more topical issues like sports, politics, fashion and/ or women, to an unpopular item like The LJM. Of course, not many guys talk about this even as they face The LJM almost every other hour! In short, this post is a wrap up of the entire conversation, the coming reflections and my little additions here and there.
I can hear voices already asking what The LJM means. Guys already know. Well, maybe not all. Some over-sabi babes know sef. SO! The LJM is a state of “body-member-stiffness” experienced ONLY by the male gender, which usually shows itself unannounced. Before I go ahead to confirm what you already know, let me introduce this refutal that contrary to your randy expectation, The LJM in this context and every letter of this innocent post isn’t the one caused by your intentional resolution to experience one.
Our minds and the several places they stray to and the wrong times they choose to, including a cold weather or the combat against sleep or sleep itself, can deal you a wholesome portmanteau of embarrassment. For some rather naive dudes who experience this menace, thinking it is a peculiar condition to them alone, kindly disabuse your mind from that silly notion. All men across the globe enjoy or suffer this menace, depending on how you choose to see it!
How to save your face in these “troublesome” times is what I intend to share with you, gentlemen. I will share three (3) tricks, the most efficient of which is The Pinch-Yourself one. I can bet that several guys reading might not have heard this before but it works! When you face a ruthless LJM and you need to get up and walk past a number of observing eyes, pinch yourself for a few seconds, especially on the thigh or anywhere around your “other” limbs before you get up. You’d be amazed to find your LJM situation repressed. Once again, I learnt this during that epic conversation!
Another reliable trick is The Hands-In-Pocket style. This one is quite notorious. Your hands in your pocket shall always form an illusion that MAY hide The LJM situation DEPENDING on the degree! Well, guys, this trick only works perfectly if you understand that by pockets, I mean your side pockets and not your back or breast pockets. I’m just saying.
If your hands are well positioned in your side pockets, you could reposition “oga at the bottom” with your hands to ease the situation and gain more comfort. Ensure that while you’re at the repositioning quest, you aren’t giving The LJM a reason to gain more power with the touch of your hands. Phewwww! No be small sumtin!
Now ladies, don’t go around having a judgemental idea about every guy you see with his hands in his pocket. Leave us to worry about our businesses! *Straight face*
The last trick I’d share in a bit is for people who fancy the culture of carrying a bag. The wonders that that bag can do cannot be overemphasized, especially at the times when The LJM stirs you down in the face. Sitting down in a public bus or whatever sort of vehicle where The LJM situation is haunting and there’s the necessity to alight and step into a sea of preying eyes, is one helluva case when you’re without an item as simple as a bag!
A bag, a tablet (wide enough though), perhaps a jacket, held across your crotch in a very tactful manner, done with a seamless smile, can practically save the day.
In all of these, might just be a fourth tip in itself, call it a bonus tip; PLAN! If you observe that you face several LJMs too frequently, you might need to plan ahead. Wearing tight fitting trousers and poor fitting underwear could be disastrous. You could plan what you want your crotch to look like, giving room for concealing a potential case of The LJM. Always remember (and I sound this with every level of sincerity) that it is not the right time to take several glances at your preferred gender (which should be a woman anyway). Take your eyes off. Let your mind go off too. Off to a safe place!
So guys, there you go! You have no reason to go around with funny looking crotches or with your heads buried in your shoulder because of your special gift and the notorious cases of LJMs it deals you. Remember, it is very rude to have an LJM case and not care who is watching or do anything about it. Learn ‘em tricks, use ‘em and share your testimonies…HEHEHE! Share more tricks if you’ve got too!