The Little Johny Menace (“The LJM”)

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Guys, guys, guys! I know I’ve been out of here for too long and I always come back with loads of excuses. Well, this time wouldn’t be an exception; I have more excuses, hehehe. WORK!!! I know y’all are beautiful and nice like that and will go ahead to pardon me.

That settled, I want you to brace up for this not-too-typical post of mine. For the ladies who cannot directly relate to this and still insist on going on to read; just enjoy this knowing that the world doesn’t revolve around you on this very matter! The least you could do is to laugh about this. The best being to share with a needy male counterpart.

Some weeks back, a conversation with my friends (guys) skidded off the usual path. We moved from more topical issues like sports, politics, fashion and/ or women, to an unpopular item like The LJM. Of course, not many guys talk about this even as they face The LJM almost every other hour! In short, this post is a wrap up of the entire conversation, the coming reflections and my little additions here and there.

I can hear voices already asking what The LJM means. Guys already know. Well, maybe not all. Some over-sabi babes know sef. SO! The LJM is a state of “body-member-stiffness” experienced ONLY by the male gender, which usually shows itself unannounced.  Before I go ahead to confirm what you already know, let me introduce this refutal that contrary to your randy expectation, The LJM in this context and every letter of this innocent post isn’t the one caused by your intentional resolution to experience one.

Our minds and the several places they stray to and the wrong times they choose to, including a cold weather or the combat against sleep or sleep itself, can deal you a wholesome portmanteau of embarrassment. For some rather naive dudes who experience this menace, thinking it is a peculiar condition to them alone, kindly disabuse your mind from that silly notion. All men across the globe enjoy or suffer this menace, depending on how you choose to see it!

How to save your face in these “troublesome” times is what I intend to share with you, gentlemen. I will share three (3) tricks, the most efficient of which is The Pinch-Yourself one. I can bet that several guys reading might not have heard this before but it works! When you face a ruthless LJM and you need to get up and walk past a number of observing eyes, pinch yourself for a few seconds, especially on the thigh or anywhere around your “other” limbs before you get up. You’d be amazed to find your LJM situation repressed. Once again, I learnt this during that epic conversation!

Another reliable trick is The Hands-In-Pocket style. This one is quite notorious. Your hands in your pocket shall always form an illusion that MAY hide The LJM situation DEPENDING on the degree! Well, guys, this trick only works perfectly if you understand that by pockets, I mean your side pockets and not your back or breast pockets. I’m just saying.

If your hands are well positioned in your side pockets, you could reposition “oga at the bottom” with your hands to ease the situation and gain more comfort. Ensure that while you’re at the repositioning quest, you aren’t giving The LJM a reason to gain more power with the touch of your hands. Phewwww! No be small sumtin!

Now ladies, don’t go around having a judgemental idea about every guy you see with his hands in his pocket. Leave us to worry about our businesses! *Straight face*

The last trick I’d share in a bit is for people who fancy the culture of carrying a bag. The wonders that that bag can do cannot be overemphasized, especially at the times when The LJM stirs you down in the face. Sitting down in a public bus or whatever sort of vehicle where The LJM situation is haunting and there’s the necessity to alight and step into a sea of preying eyes, is one helluva case when you’re without an item as simple as a bag!

A bag, a tablet (wide enough though), perhaps a jacket, held across your crotch in a very tactful manner, done with a seamless smile, can practically save the day.

In all of these, might just be a fourth tip in itself, call it a bonus tip; PLAN! If you observe that you face several LJMs too frequently, you might need to plan ahead. Wearing tight fitting trousers and poor fitting underwear could be disastrous. You could plan what you want your crotch to look like, giving room for concealing a potential case of The LJM. Always remember (and I sound this with every level of sincerity) that it is not the right time to take several glances at your preferred gender (which should be a woman anyway). Take your eyes off. Let your mind go off too. Off to a safe place!

So guys, there you go! You have no reason to go around with funny looking crotches or with your heads buried in your shoulder because of your special gift and the notorious cases of LJMs it deals you. Remember, it is very rude to have an LJM case and not care who is watching or do anything about it. Learn ‘em tricks, use ‘em and share your testimonies…HEHEHE! Share more tricks if you’ve got too!

I’m out!

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About mrprolifeeq

This is the official blog of Ogundemuren Adetunji (aka MrProlifeeq) and his enthusiasts; where he will share personal views and takes on general and diverse themes. A proud Nigerian who holds a Bachelors’ degree in Accounting from the Lagos State University and an associate member of the Institute of Chartered Accountants of Nigeria. MrProlifeeq is a poet and a lover of the simple things of life and with his modest command of the English and Yorùbá languages, he will share his thoughts in a manner that will bring to life, a variety of angles to several issues already considered cliché. MrProlifeeq enjoys family moments, the scrabble game, singing, playing musical instruments and writing songs. To contact MrProlifeeq, send a mail to adetunjidemuren@yahoo.co.uk. Other websites include; www.facebook.com/detunjidemuren www.twitter.com/mrprolifeeq www.allpoetry.com/demuren Enjoy the blogging side of me!

Posted on September 26, 2013, in Let's Talk About It, Thoughts and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 10 Comments.

  1. Ok, this truly is rather unconventional here but “agbadun e”. Lolz. I think ammo juz include d 1st tip to mines. Hehehehe! Thanks 4 d tip bruh

  2. Lol really? This is what you sit and discuss with your fellow men? Ok ooo… When are you going to write about this fuckery with ladies and wanting marriage from a guy who has not found his bearing or the truth about naija women being human as opposed to “an extremely cultured, mannered, can do no wrong” they are assumed to be?

    I’m just saying… Oh why do I sense that you did all you can to refrain from using the words dick, penis, etc… Like someone said, if you find it disgusting to talk about sex, you’re prolly to young to be having it.

    • Mr Winsh,Who will you rather have this sorta conversation with? A lady? I’d put that in my to-do list soon.
      Errrrm, this post isn’t even anything about sex and the choice of words is to give the post a comic feel.
      Thanks for stopping by always! Bless!

  3. Funny You All The Time. The “pinch ya self” one though, never heard that.

  4. Lol……this is very true and can be so embarassing if not well managed.It once happened to me while talking to a chic publically,not like it was even in a seclusive place or something……Lol, Really she noticed and I was embarassed and had to apologise.She gave me a answer, a very brave response I will never forget,she simply said “U just fooled urself man”…….and I was speechless…..Lol,
    Now back to the article……..Pls I believe this platform is for adults and U avoiding to call it what it is generally called is really uncalled for,yes its Dick,……yes its Pennis”……..so whaz the big deal…..pls when next writing abt things related to sexual organs,bro absolutely nothing there to be coded abt.
    Thanks for the hint bro…………

    • Mr Iceking. I appreciate your concern but you see, I didn’t have to be a hundred percent explicit for you to get the message. Its not supposed to be a post about sex or any sexually related matter because your penis isn’t only a sexual organ. The choice of words is to give the post a comic feel. Which I believe I succeeded in doing. Many thanks for checking! God bless!

  5. olatunbosun durosimi

    I think I see myself in 1 of d paragraphs. Lool. Yea pinching sure is d oldest trick in d book + u 4got bout d 4th tip; “thought”…pastor’s sermon cld help u know. Hehehe. Nice1

  6. Nice piece bro. I remember when and where this came from *wink*. I think you should have shared some of the experiences discussed that day sha (my opinion though). As for the peeps going on about your choice of “non-explicit” vocabulary, they are failing to realise this isn’t a post about sex and that LJMs occur without any sexual triggers (like the early morning ones or when battling sleep)… and even if it was/is, there are masterful ways of using your choice of words to incite amazingly vivid thoughts (make I no too switch lanes). I hail your writing skills bro. *double thumbs up*

  7. Ye!!!!! Ama laugh laugh. To think embarrassing moments where for ladies alone, so u guyz are not left out. I have always asked what causes the LJMs but I hear almost anything can trigger it,that sounds amazing to us ladies. guess we have more self control. anyways I credit this post for giving ways to save the moments. now our precious twinkie eyes can roll around and be sure to land on secure grounds. Welldone Mr Prolifeeq……..****smiling mode****

  8. ….but i was there when the convo happened na, tunji why did you scratch me out with the “(guys)” bit? *sobs* I’m pained. Lol I kid.
    All in all, it’s a nice and funny read. *wide grin*

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