Monthly Archives: September 2012
Hi esteemed MPW readers…Yes, yes I know this is coming too long after the last post was pressed. Yes, I also understand how much you expect a more frequent pressing. I will blame nothing for this drag. Not even my village teacher job; as I have been less of that lately. I will just hope you see this apology as sincere and accept it – I am sorry.
With that much said, this post looks ready to sail. Oh, before then…For many of you who will wonder after a few lines down… Is he? Could he be…? NO, I’m not a love doctor! You can learn more of who I am HERE.
For everyone who has or intends to get stung by the love bug; this is for you. And no! I do not mean those who are in the P-setting league* neither the ones who merely enjoy sex with whoever and term the relationship whatever; nor the little lads and lasses exploring all they can- No thanks to Mr. Puberty.
This is for the ones who love, love to love and love that they are in love with whom they love! It is for those who intend to love forever and have taken/ will take the necessary steps to see that forever it is and shall be- Did someone say marriage?
Some might think that talking about the nature of love in relation to a bug and its sting or any other factor that connotes pain is some sort of blasphemy to the sweet theme of love. You mean this love? This sweet love??? Very well then, deceive yourself with the fairy tale adaptation of what love is and what it is not. When you’re done, come back to real life. For real life is where we are at and here, love is a nicely concocted syrup of pain and pleasure. Hello?
Many of us will rather hold on to the dimension love takes when all is pleasurable. When all is seemingly rosy and the partner dishes all the love you require in more-than-satisfactory portions- Just how you like it!
You know…The summer time getaways; the evening walks with the boo; breakfast in bed; sensational romance; bedroom costumes, whips and handcuffs (No Violence!); stolen kisses; pillow fights; amiable indoor moments; exquisite dinners and all the idea of a perfectly working relationship that Hollywood(Nollywood too…or Bollywood for those who like to sing and dance) sells to us. Of course these moments are very important but what happens when the cute little cookie crumbles?
We need to constantly accept that in between all these pleasurable times, some events will quietly or sometimes suddenly crumble the cookie. When the cookie is badly hit, do you trample and jump on it like a wild chimpanzee? Would you do that till it becomes impossible to restore the cookie image? Dear friend, this is one way to NOT achieve “forever together”.
I know (indeed, I do) that it is normal for things to go wrong from time to time yet, very surprising when these shifts occur! I mean, a moment ago it was all cuddly fuddly** and then BAM!!!, the boo does it! You know that moment when you are disappointed in them. You just stare in dismay, make a transition to your alter ego and then dish out an annihilating combo of: PUNCH SLAP KICK KICK SLAP BITE PUNCH UPPERCUT …TWO FINGERS IN THE EYES AAAAAAAAND SPIT! Of course, all of these should play out in your mind. Oo ni fe te noooow***
Afterwards, when you resign to your corner of the room; in your sober moments when you try to comprehend what had happened, ensure you stay constructive and real with yourself. The end thereof should bring the cookie back to shape. This should be the mindset as long as the relationship in itself is not a threat to life or a platform for life-threatening abuse. Remember, this is for people in healthy relationships- With a dogged and working “forever together” mission.
When your partner drops a wrong word; takes a wrong foot forward or backward; takes you for granted; shows some carelessness or insensitivity; forgets anniversaries that you cherish(kudos to the female folks and their date-remembering gift); talks down on you; ignores you; disappoints you; damages your x-box or any of OUR toys(yea guys, we do this!); becomes irritable, edgy, grouchy and not forthcoming; disinterested in you and the big one…wait for it…cheats on you. What do you do?
Not at all, I’m not answering that …that is a question left to you to answer. Why you? Really? Yes, you because you are an active partner in your relationship. You should know for yourself. Didn’t you find yourself mature enough to be in a relationship in the first place? Voila! Employ that “maturity”, guide yourself back to your happiness and get back on your feet (or on your boo *winks*); back in love!
These times when you feel a little less love (watch how I use this expression instead of HATE?) for your partner are as important as the times when all is well too. If you don’t know, there is such thing as a “good fight”. These moments are fantastic opportunities to learn about yourself, your partner and the relationship. It is a course to ensure that fantasies have not become facades or a one-party thing. It can help rediscover that a rich reserve of passion still exists in your lives together.
Like you otherwise think, a good fight occasionally translates into that necessary spice required for a relationship which might be unsuspectingly losing its savour. It usually ends with the thought: “I never knew I loved (and still love) you this much”.
If you think this sounds easier than it is in real life; I will advise that you take a more crucial evaluation of your relationship. Something bigger than “the issue” might as well be the problem. My opinion is; the previous hurt makes the next hurt harder to live through. A wider perspective of this is; the previous hurt (left unattended to and/or found no relief) makes the next hurt harder to live through. Remember again, this is for people in healthy relationships -With a dogged and working “forever together” mission.
For every event of disappointment and the consequential hurt felt, strive to sort it out. Find relief and get over it so that every other case of such will be peculiar and so dealt with. Never soak up these things only to explode later. Never let issues go without addressing them only to refer to them in future. This is not healthy living. Talk these things through and get over them. You should also learn the golden skill of letting things slide (especially trivial ones) from time to time. REALLY!!!
At this juncture, I find it safe to advise that as you continue with this post, you will not find any ready-made tips or lists on how to manage yourself in these times or how best to swing back to the sweet moments. No, I’ll be doing no such thing. This is because I find these tips too theoretical, sometimes complex to follow through without snuffing out the uniqueness in the personalities involved. Personal opinion it is. Successful relationships are not sustained by people who have become what a writer/researcher must have enumerated for them but by people who have “worked out” what works for them. People who have come to realize what keeps them in a bond of sheer happiness and go by it, religiously.
In the gloom of any challenge, do not caress the problem any further. Spend time understanding and discussing the cause. Ensure you mutually arrive at a bespoke manner of keeping the gloom busted, killed and buried. You want to stay happy together, don’t you? Yea, so don’t give in to endless grief and the mother of all-Depression. Forget the event; take the choice. The choice is to stay happy and uhhhhmmm…to get back to all the cute, sweet, pleasurable, amorous, naughty and yori-yori**** things lovers do! Together!
* Today’s word for something longer than a fling but less serious than a relationship- I just call it a fling anyway.
**This word is invisible in the English dictionary :p
***Yoruba (a language spoken in western Nigeria) for: “You really don’t want to do that and get hurt.”
****A colloquial term for love in Nigeria. Made famous by Bracket in their hit single; “Yori Yori“.